Pondering Thoughts: Company Policy

NEW COMPANY POLICY, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

If you are not an employee of this company, then you have no right reading this.

It is punishable by law.

ON DRESS CODE

It is the foremost policy of this company that you come to work according to your salary.

If you wear Salvatore Ferragamo shoes, YSL dress, and a Louis Vuitton bag, then you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 

ON SICK DAYS

A doctor’s certification will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to a doctor, then you are able to report to work.

ON ANNUAL LEAVE DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

ON BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 

ON TOILET USE

A 3 - minute time limit in the toilet is strictly implemented. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. 

ON LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast . 

As usual, thank-you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 

----- THE MANAGEMENT -----

Credits: Emailed by a friend from far far away and saved on my file long long time ago.